Lungbarrow.com

No, I Will Not Fix Your Computer ...

As a technology veteran with nearly 30 years in the industry, I have significant professional experience with, and can provide references for my abilities in, software development, web development, database design, server administration, network administration, business analysis, technical writing, ghost blogging, podcasting, CRM, web traffic analytics, SEO Optimization, and social network marketing. (Though honestly if you pay me -- or anyone -- for those last two, I will apologize in advance for being unable to control my snickering when you talk to me.)

I do have a day job that I enjoy, and a number of my own side projects (such as my ongoing search for the perfect dry rub chicken wing recipe), which always take priority over side gigs. My side gig rates require that you follow Darrin's Immutable Law of the Iron Triangle and are as follows:

• Done Cheaply and Quickly: Usually a bag of take-out (Indian, Banchan, Bento, or Thai are acceptable) and/or unlimited beer during the time I am performing the work
• Done Correctly and Quickly: Rate varies based on how well fleshed-out your requirements and design are. Flat fee available if you actually have these things.
• Done Correctly and Cheaply: Most times I settle for a linked-in endorsement or networking introduction determined up front

For best results, and in the interest of full transparency, I recommend that you a) only give me stuff that's really, really interesting; b) can be done in one weeknight evening; or c) pay me a buttload of cash up front to rent my attention span.

Please note, however, that PC repair is not in that list. It's not my thing, I'm not good at it, and on more than one occasion has resulted in an accidentally blown up PC. If you so much as ask me to fix your computer, even if you offer to pay me, it will only encourage me to become suddenly interested in other items on my project list -- including, but not limited to, cleaning out the drip pan under my oven or going through my extensive spice cabinet looking for expired items. Nor will it do you any good to qualify your request with something like "when you get time." You will only be saying goodbye to a computer because, by the time you get round to retrieving it (unrepaired), it will be obsolete technology. Trust me, I have a room full of my own broken computers that will attest for my lack of even a passing interest in hardware/OS maintenance and upgrading.